My days just seem to unfold, no development or discernible direction nor plan. Just that which seems to need doing getting done, more or less. Sounds sort of Zenish but it ain’t, its a fraying of mind that seems to be the way things are at the moment. I can’t tell if it’s a real ‘thing’ (i.e. losing it), or a phase of spiritual wandering that will sort itself out at some future time, sooner than later I hope; I think.
It doesn’t really matter what it is. That it even is, has some relevance that needs awareness and attention at some level, yet generally it seems what is needed is a way to just be with it. How does one be while not totally being, with it? I can’t hope for a formula or directions. Time for some faith and maybe bumbling.
It seems that getting right down to the X Y Z of it and solving the mystery of it is not the way to be with it. My focus currently is to be less annoying to others, although I do seem to have gotten even more talkative and spiraling in my expression yet I also feel as if I’m speaking more truthfully, although to no particular effect.
I don’t think I’m outcast material or require avoidance and certainly not less strange than I’ve ever been. Although Today, was good day.
After doing laundry and having a nice Cappuccino at the local Pattisserie, nicely the friendly young barrista wrote ‘HELMET’ in the foam as a friendly and humorous gesture. After that I drove to the cemetery for an early afternoon walk, temperature in the sixties, with just a T=shirt on to get vitamin D and revel in the Spring buds. Last year on this date we started four weeks of snow storms that took ’til May to finally ago away.
At about halfway through my walk I approached a couple that seemed to be throwing something towards some of the graves next to a very large tree and there was metallic “clinking” involved. They had a truck and a car pulled up nose-to-nose on the grass, and I could see that they were throwing long dagger looking knives, the kind of phony throwing-knives they used to sell on the back pages of hunting &fishing magazines, or nowadays presumably on sites for ‘warriors and stealth defenders of whatever’; phone but probably dangerous in the right hands, not theirs obviously from all the bouncing-off-the-tree efforts they were engaged in. As I approache my old hyper-alertness mechanism appeared and as I looked in their direction, just across a single-car-width road, the guy turned towards me with three of these large goofy throwing-knives in one hand, and brushing his teeth, yes foamy toothbrush, with the other; and said, “Yeah. Looks weird I know.” He was about 6’5″ tall and his girlfriend, also holding three long throwing-knives, just grinned at me in agreement and I said. “That’s cool, you’re just multi-tasking.” and passed them.
I admit there were about five steps where I was hype- alert when my back was to them, but it was nice day in the Spring and everyone enjoys them differently.
I ended up at my favorite, Sweet Basil Pizzeria, where I get two slices (Margherita and Basil-pesto), every week. I always sit a tiny counter-ledge for one person, that is near the counter but faces into the bigger dining-area where I can watch the giant TV always tuned to sports, and in the Season exclusively on the Baseball Channel. I have my two slices and am halfway through one, when I realize I forgot to get my Coke ( a treat and maybe why I eat pizza, just an excuse to drink the vile but tasty, soda:), so I go to get it and coming back I see that some kid has set down a soda he was drinking right between my plate of pizza and my napkins, like really in personal territory, as I sit down next to my obvious “somebody’s food”, he seemed to realize that he had encroached, he apologizes and pick up his drink and my used napkin, gets his to-go slices and heads out; with my used napkin wrapped around his drink.
I was amused at his obliviousness and furthermore took great comfort in the fact that maybe I’m not that far gone yet. Schadenfruede? Not quite, but a bit of a boost.