A week ago I was looking forward to a long drive up to Eugene, OR to get better acquainted with a woman I met at a meditation retreat and with whom I had a correspondence and a number of long telephone conversations. We seemed to be similar sorts and of like interests and just two years apart in age, so seemed like a situation which was rife with potential. I went up there with expectations and hopes.
Turns out that is not the best baggage for travel when dealing with another human being and some known and unknown wishes for a relationship based in some version of reality. Long story (not really), short, I turned around the next day and came back in two stages.
The drive up of 10 hours showed me I’m not the Road Warrior of Old. So, lonnng trip back and fully loaded with baggage of regret, feeling foolish, mis-understanding people and myself, lonelier than I was because it felt like a last chance that had been a foolish mistake. And there are elements of that. Nevertheless, life goes on. ‘Til it don’t.
It’s taken several days to settle down and not be despairing and unsettled, because “I’m supposed to be more together than this.” “What the F…were you thinking, you fool!?” “How could you be so…?” On and on, and feeling lower and lower and a sense of mis-apprehending everything and I couldn’t find my way back.
Then, a moment yesterday. “What happened to all your meditation, years of training, lofty advice given to many over the years as they experienced their own versions of this human aspiring?”
Oh, Right! I can and I must sit with (WITH!) this, and see!
Allow it to just be there, and Here.
It’s harder when I have to do that, rather than offer it as advice. Practice makes practice Real.
Live and learn. Live and be willing. What is Acceptance? How to do all those things? Sitting still
Just bit ago I had a piece of pizza and some small salad looking forward to talking to some friends about this in the next couple of days, but still feeling that “Less than!” which people often say to express a Lostness. As I was pushing away from the table I recited the gratitude verse at the end of the meal.
“The Universe is as the Boundless Sky,
As the Lotus blossoms above unclean water.
Pure and Beyond the World is the
Buddha Nature of the trainee.
Oh, Holy Buddha we take Refuge in Thee.”
And I wept.
For This life.