Category Archives: Zen

This. Here. Now…what?

An interesting couple of months for me with my time and how I choose to spend it.

A steady gathering in of various fragments of my self that seem to be the most persistent and need help and attentiveness that only I can give.

Care fully. Care less.

Care Fully. Caring less.

Carefully and careless are two words that could be used in the place of some other “opposites” that can be troublesome when seen through stand-alone observations about the basic natures of perception, being, doing and all activities that set things or processes into motion.

Some things are set into motion that result in largely good/positive outcomes and some other combinations of things may result in bad/negative outcomes. The original intention may not provide the desired effect.

To be careful is a deliberate act (or refraining) that partakes of intention, will, willingness and effort to accomplish helpful tending towards the good, but not necessarily so, results.

To be careless is to be generally unaware or un-concerned as to results of activities or intentions tending towards obstacle creation, intention sidetracked or needful things undone; but not necessarily so.

‘Good’ can be readily associated with being careful and ‘Not-So-Good’ can readily be seen as the result of being careless.

What I prefer in this way of looking at Good and Not-Good is that both ways of stating these outcomes, or conditions, tend to describe the results of action, doing or setting into motion, i.e. choices made before acting.

Karma is also the word used for setting anything into motion. Whatever the intention, the results may vary, and those results may leave vestiges, residues, a fragrance, or stink, behind that will be felt, seen, smelled, incorporated or appear later elsewhere; as feelings or tendencies in other beings, situations or forms (lives).

So, being careful has far reaching consequences from a spiritual and practical point of view, and conversely being careless is a main contributor to all the variety of feelings and situations we experience as humans. We do have choices, although we may not be aware of them and don’t even know we are being careless.

I’ve become more aware of these choices as part of my aging process and have reconstituted a simple method of bringing myself to awareness during the day or night, as needed or just when I remember to do it, It’s never out of place or time. These are the four words I’m currently finding vey helpful.

This! As I sit or want to collect myself a bit I say (inwardly usually) this word to remind me of my body, my mind, my ability to look and see myself and to increase my awareness of my place in the world of things.

Here! The place or situation of where This is and the setting and feelings and availability of choices that This has.

Now! A sense of being in the ever-changing flow of space and time, and that the flow of it all is the only thing that matters. This, can’t stay Here, or Now.

What? Is this activity. What is good to know. What is good to do.

I am willing

Please help

Me to see

That there Is

A way at my

Feet in all

Directions.

WTP? (Where’s the problem?)

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It’s been a couple of weeks since I wanted to post anything. I am in middle of a retreat and also got quite sick for a couple of weeks. Several factors that resulted in quite a bit of discomfort, physical and otherwise; not to mention the endless quality of this Winter.

Sprinkle the above with a weird social/cultural/political uneasiness and one has the makings of smallish personal storms. The good news is that all of this exists within a context, like weather within a climate. Some assumptions regarding weather can be made within and about any given climate, we just shouldn’t be too surprised when the assumptions don’t run true to standard climate models.

So, discomfort and a need for understanding, along with a drive towards resolution and ultimately, a satisfactory explanation, of how, why and what, all went Wrong.

Sadly nothing is ever going Wrong, its just not turning out the way I expected.

Or, things have appeared for which I was not prepared, after all I am a…(Long description of me, my past, my understanding of life, my opinions, insights and a generous helping of blather to make me feel like I know anything; or that I have can control any aspects of life around me.) I can barely control the life within me; and within That, I can only moderately control my reaction to all this weather, let alone have any influence on the climate.

I guess I’m trying to say I’ve been quite uncomfortable for a while now and it is all just fine.

I am Man, hear me Grumble!

There is always learning going on in this torrent of teaching I’ve been offered, but at times it has all been a bit much. I couldn’t even retreat to comfort food or books; I had no appetite and reading hurt my eyes and my head. So, I just had to be by myself. Scary at times, but actually very do-able.

I have to remember that one of the basic premises of the Buddha’s teaching is the prevalence of dis-comfort and dis-ease in daily life, which is solely due to my own picking and choosing and insistence on things being a certain way. My way.

I am sure the “My” is the major clue as to where the problem, and the solution, are nested. Together.

Awakened by fear, doubt and worry. Some Trouble was brewing percolating inside. It

Seemed real, engaging with it, it grew. Realer. Even more than everything I knew to be true.

Going slowly to sit near my altar I glanced and saw.

Stillness at center. In the Buddha,

On the left, determination in Fudo-myo,

On the right calmness in

Avalokiteshvarahe, Regarder of the Cries of the World.

Within the nest of the Hara,

Peace at

Rest, and

Ease sharing

Space and time with

Fear, doubt and worry.

They look alike when sleeping.

S’no worries…

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An interesting week. Last Sunday at the Wallowa Buddhist Temple; after meditation the monks and lay practitioners in attendance conducted and participated in, a Memorial Service for my wife Linda. She died on the 29th of January, 2014 and since the dates coincided with the last day the temple was going to be open before the monks went on their own retreat for the month of February, it seemed good to offer this service. A nice discussion followed along with tea and some goodies and a delicious pot-luck lunch. A nourishing day for many of us, and Linda too.

Went north for a few days and returned very tired from trip and visiting with friends in Tekoa. It’s taking a few days to get back into retreat mode and am a little sick but encouraged because its almost 40 degrees outside. Spring! But not, Sproing!! That will probably come around March/April.

Part of my personal winter retreat is reading, slowly, the collection of poems titled “The Mountain Poems of Stonehouse” a Chinese hermit/recluse/monk/poet from the 14th Century, translation and commentary by Red Pine, who has done many fine translations over the years. I read a few each day and in a couple of weeks I’ll have gone through the book and then plan to go through it again, writing my own notes relating to the poems and my personal journey along the roads/trails and thickets of Zen.

Also, just finished a nice novel titled “Dictator” by Robert Harris its about Cicero the Roman statesman who was instrumental in various ways (and the recorder) of the changes that took place in The Roman republic from roughly 65 BC to the Triumvirate that ended in the Octavian elevation to Caesar. It’s politically understanding, in the sense that there is nothing new in politics and everyone scrambles, all the time, and they never really know what they are doing. They are just driven by the karma for power and success, and in those days things rarely ended in peaceful retirement. Its based on reality because Cicero left huge quantities of writings and letters. In a way it’s like Procopius’ “Secret” History, or the “Secret History of the Mongols” they give us a look at reality not legend.

So, in light of todays political angst, the histories and the views of a recluse monk I seem to be landing squarely on the side of stillness. Lord knows I’ve done my share of creating karma that needs help. I’d better get to it and quit all the worry. I do have to remember that worry is also information and teaching, pointing me too…

The snow is so white and furious in its calmness

Just laying there, perching here, sitting on a stump

Quiet and very present. My squinting is making me

Tired and the tension in my eyes is hard to separate

From the worry even though the worry is much,

Much older than the snow. No, no that’s not so…

Snow and worry, water, ice, ocean, accepting, peace.

Time to feed the donkeys…

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And now it’s the 25th of January and the level of fear and worry has risen for many people, and a sense of hope has appeared for many others.

The fear and worry is all about a sense of something entirely new going wrong and this can’t happen here. There’s nothing new, and yes, it can.

The sense of hope has to do with people thinking that finally things will go their way. It may, for a while, but then they won’t like it when it changes, and yes, it will.

I am affected and my feelings are arising in a number of ways, yet my question is always the same.

Since the world is the world and I like it when it comports to my expectations, and I don’t like it when it doesn’t, what can I actually do?

For me, this retreat I’m on gives me the opportunity to look at my reactions physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Quite a mixed bag. I’m grateful that this country and society has given and allowed me the time and freedom from want and worry, to sit quietly, and quite comfortably, and try and see what I can let go of. Let go of, in terms of fear, doubt, worry, remorse, regret, guilt and the consequent anxiety of the future.

My process seems to partake more of seeing where I can loosen my grip* on deeply imbued and settled habits of fear and tension. That loosening is letting go. When I loosen my grip those feelings have a chance to move and wriggle about and then, maybe, I can loosen the grip a little more and those feelings can go out for some air (Yes, torturing the metaphors; Oh, how they wish they could get out of my grip.), and maybe never return, and if they do they’ll not be as close to me as before.

My experience is that to the degree I can let loose on my grip on life the easier things seem to get, and then,the more readily ideas about what I can do to practically help the situation I’m fearful of, or anxious about. Then, I can act more clearly and from a place a little quieter than the fear based presumptions my habitual mind would present as Reality.

The donkeys need some hay and cats are cold and hungry

Each day a little more snow seems to creep onto the scene

Making it beautiful, and fresh, and cold, and I long for Spring

It’s a little too early to yearn too hard for that change, plus

I can’t bring it about anyway, but it will come on its own

Good time and bring relief and an inner,

I told you so. I just had to stay at peace and throw some hay.

*Grip loosening can consist of merely not believing that something has to be held so tightly.

Alright view…

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So far so good.

Slowly starting to adapt to the pull of stillness and meditation. Through a not particularly thorough investigation of what is arising, (The purpose of meditation is not to dissect or scrutinize the the things that arise, rather to just let them be, and look, and let them move on.), I can see the layers of worry, fear, doubt, anxiety, despair, planning, wishing, hoping, and thinking-things-through-to-no-conclusion; just lift off and dissipate to return whence they came. Nowhere. Now here.

Always interesting, that, because I do invest much time in my life dealing with all these feelings and thought processes as if they were extremely important and need my complete belief and attention. Most of them are, in a way, “Fake News! Not Good! Not Fair!”. It is good to notice them and those that recur frequently (Frequent Flyers, I call them), can be looked at and examined in other contexts but are merely distractions in formal meditation. They do deserve perusal, after all they are coming up for a reason; they want attention because they are trying to teach me something for my own good.

Also, I’m realizing again (ad-nauseam), that I have no idea of what I’m doing, there’s no real plan here except to see what arises and what my next step in life may be, mostly regarding location. I’ve been unsettled for the last three years. The 29th will be the third anniversary of Linda’s death and it feels like a time for making some decisions. Since I have nothing to base any decision on, i.e. no strong desire to live in a particular place or engage in any particular activity, nor do I have hobbies or any interests that depend on location. I’m fungible (I like the word), I’m inter-changeable with me. There are a couple of things that I wouldn’t mind happening in my life but they are completely out of my control so they may happen, or not.

Ultimately I have absolutely no idea where, how, or what, I’ll be doing or thinking after these two months are up, but I’ll see things differently than I do now and I may make decisions that aren’t on the radar right now. I remember that in April of 1967 I was in Basic Training with the Army at Fort Bragg, N.C. Before I went there I had a plan for my life, sort of. Be somebody. That notion has no relevance in my life today.

I’ll never forget the impact those eight weeks had on me. They weren’t among the biggest experiences off my life but they informed a huge portion of it afterward. These super-cold mornings, after feeding the horses I’m sort of looking out for; I run up a small incline, below zero through lots of snow and I chant cadence-counting running songs learned in Basic. “I don’t know but I’ve been told…” “I want to be an Airborne Ranger, I want to lead a life of danger” “You had a good home and you left…Right!” 50 years later?

All of it had to do with choices. I made many choices based on my very best thinking. That I’m around, healthy, and relatively sane is pure good fortune, good karma. Today, this very day, I am aware of the forces that, despite my best thinking, got me into the position I am in now.

I’m in a smallish cabin in Northeastern Oregon, which I rented with the thought that here I could challenge myself and see if I can come up with twelve little poems worth a gnats fart. But, my being here is not the culmination of a plan or wish. It is the result of actions I undertook as part of getting and staying clean and sober, now almost a half a life-time ago. Previous plans and many of my wishes and actions were completely about me and what I could wrest from, or should be given in life, to make me happy. Those plans and wishes that developed slowly over time in sobriety which coincides with my Buddhist training, seem to have put me into this place, at this time, in this position.

In this cabin by myself, content, sufficient, healthy (ish), sane (ditto), and have the golden opportunity to sit still be quiet and just look at self, the scenery of life, the scenery of the location.

Gratitude!

Just abiding, waiting to see what or which alights next,

Coming to the earth or descending from the vehicle; to

Settle and stay in the place where the opposites may

Arise, yet not confound.

What can be greater fortune than to be aware of

Coming and going, neither ascending nor

Descending, yet finding that seat from which the

View is all encompassing and disturbing too. Yes,

Is always the right response

No boundary.