Recently, last 6-7 months, my mind is really changing. Much more scattered and memory becoming more of a thing of the past, if you know what I mean. While I’m becoming even more loquacious than usual I’m also becoming more abrupt and short with people. So, not a good mix, as such.

However, there is a compensatory factor in that I’m going through some newish, although seeming so ordinary after the fact, spiritual awareness. That in itself is refreshing, but apparently not a big deal. It used to be a big deal. Currently it isn’t, it’s just ordinary.

One thing that is clarifying is that I can worry if I want to, but there isn’t much purpose or usefulness in long term worry, as such. I had always assumed it was at least a mildly fundamental aspect of general mentation. Now it seems merely functional and has some use.

It (worry) is a by-product and also a functional indicator more similar to the road-side billboard that alerts a traveler to something down the road that may be of use or interest. It’s an aspect of mental traveling, when I worry I’m on the road.

There are many by-products in the varieties of manufacturing anything, and most by-products are not useful unless they can be converted through a further process, into something usable.

My basic internal process seems to consist largely of my personal will going hand-in-hand with letting go (I know, image-wise that’s little outlandish, but I like it), and apparently some smallish effort is required.

The small effort of Letting

Go is  just Un-clenching the

Fist made by too much Will.

So it seems I’m getting older, much less attentive and yet a bit more self-absorbed and un-inclined to suffer foolishness or its perpetrators gladly; yet I still perpetuate any number of foolish notions within myself simply out of habit. I contain more than a measure of that tricky obstinacy that some old people can carry off at times,with a bit of aplomb. Keeping in mind that most delusions are carried off with assurance, because we believe them and they are deeply habitual, thus not scrutinized.

The above seems to be generally applicable to most older folk, or younger ones for that matter. It seems we are born with some stories that we don’t know how to tell or incorporate comfortably, or even be aware of, yet we build lives around those stories.Whole, long stories. Long stories.

Similarly, we are not aware of our urinary function, except that it is unceasing; a constant recurring demand and a constant recurring relief. It seems so ordinary, like the Sun rising and setting, yet we do experience eclipses, and even though we know what all is their cause and explanation, we still respond to them in an almost mystical way. Nothing wrong with that. However, if my urinary function is compromised, someone (often a doctor), will explain causes and give me some medicine to deal with discomfort and make it better. Like Shamman (Shamen?), or priests in ancient times explained eclipses and made people feel better about them with an explanationand/or medicine. Since I’ve digressed a bit let me stretch it more and think in terms of us individually as just a structured, living, healthy, viable organism with consciousness

It’s my understanding that we don’t actually “breathe”, in the sense that it is a function of a personal will to remain upright and alive, (of course that does enter the picture during illness etc:). We tend not to breathe consciously. We breathe because when we exhale (dispelling inspiration that has turned almost poisonous), this causes a problem of air pressure, and that is a good problem because the air pressure outside of us is higher than the air pressure inside of us and that forces pressure stabilization, which we call inhaling. Our body is functioning as an air pressure valve, (even when we are brain “dead”), so that we have time to do other stuff and not worry about the next breath, unless it is a situation where one’s pressure regulator is compromised, then we see things from a different perspective. But when the air regulator is functioning we go on without concern and just live whatever life we’re in.

Eating, farting, pooping, peeing, reaching, grasping, letting go, walking, sitting, standing around, thinking great thoughts and miserable one’s, in the same breath wondering what the spread for 49’rs game is, and why I can’t put up with so-and-so, or want to such-and-such with so-and-so at some future time; please.

Whoops gotta take a pee! Now, where was I? Oh, yeah gotta make some coffee and think about exercising a little, wonder what that fucking noise outside is? A frog, this time of year? Hmmm! Now what was I gonna do?

In some sense I seem to be experiencing life within a very, very, very thin slice of the Universe conjured by this one Helmut; and because all of my decisions in this life have brought me to here, to this very place; there must be millions/billions, of other time-lines where I made other decisions and then other decisions, the outcomes of which are now being experienced by some other version of innumerably possible Helmut outcomes. And, they all end up dead. Yet, they’ve served and important function. They each have always had the same choice. Can I do better than I’m doing? For the good of all.

This world and

This life are pretty good.

I must be very careful in how I

See and decide on, the Things in

This Life. It is the only One I have.

Process,

Becoming,

Moment,

Here; and there is…