Pain. Our obsessive cranky teacher
Stalks the Body and demands
We listen. We attend to the
Repetition and droning of
Its teaching. Slowly it recedes,
Waving half-hearted goodby as we
Scramble to remember why, and all
We have to show for it is a Scar.
Yet, we are the better for it.
The mystery and the power of the
Healing wounds we endure is
In the Stillness of Not Self.

I just wrote the above to a good Friend who is recovering from another major surgery. To bear the pains of old age, some of them the price extracted for the careless presumptuous ways we treated, and depended upon, our bodies.

Action is the doer of karma, feelings the reaper. We experience “our karma” through feelings for things we did or set in motion in the past. That we can’t often remember what it was we set in motion or may have done in the past, does not release us from the reaping  (through feelings) of that karma. Karma is an inexorable law of the universe. Like gravity.

So, when we experience our karma we have some choices. These choices can have us railing against how we are feeling (about anything), or we can see our feelings as teachers that have come to show us something about ourselves, for our own good.

My friend in pain is in the fortunate position of being able to train with her karma (pain and it’s concomitant feelings) in the mode of acceptance and learning from that teacher.

I suspect she is in great pain, but not in great suffering. A slight shift in how we choose to see something can alleviate all the suffering of the world. Very difficult to do though, so we do our best in the circumstance we are in. Right now. And then, again…

A long 14 day journey. In part pilgrimage.

A week at our monastery for the Daijukai (Receiving the Precepts), retreat. Very vivid, very informative. I learned a lot by just seeing how we all worked in unison even when we didn’t. Lot’s of ceremony and ritual (which I personally like very much), but can be a bit of a surprise to those that think Zen has no such thing. It is the fully half of the training, and all of the training in that we bring our meditation to these active practices. The same meditation we bring to our sitting practice. I had some great meetings with old friends and  also great communion with all of the others who were there in preparing and participating in the five ceremonies that comprise this weeklong retreat. Several things I learned seemed to be of the type that penetrate the heart and slowly take root and become real and true. The Dharma talks and discussions were also very helpful.

One aspect that I liked very much was the fact that several of the monks there were laypeople with me years ago and their practice has matured in the form of a Monk; and mine, I was pleasantly surprised to realize, had also matured in the form of the Householder, or layperson.

After seven days I went on to Joseph, OR to visit the Wallowa Buddhist Temple, where RM Meido and Reverend Clairissa reside and teach. They are just in the process of putting some final touches on a four year long project that culminated in a beautiful, comfortable and completely peaceful guesthouse at the bottom of the the Wallowa Mountains and adjacent to Hurricane Creek. Stunning! A true temple were Zen is taught and transmitted through words and kindness. I would recommend this to anyone. The Temple, the mountains, the Valley, the people, the rivers and lakes; the community. Priceless.

After three days there I went on to eastern Washington to spend some time renewing acquaintance with my neighbors there and picked up a lot of my Buddhist things (altars, statues, etc) and once again experienced the deep sense of community that was displayed during the 10 year or so Linda and I lived there. The love and caring that we experienced there as we entered the community and then as Linda became sicker and then died in January of last year, was still evident. Tekoa, WA. Those little towns are a different world from the hustle and bustle of the urban life. Yes there are many things exactly the same, but also some really important differences.

I also had a chance to visit with another Monk friend who has the small Benewah Buddhist Temple, in St. Maries, ID. A major logging town in the Panhandle. We had a great lunch at the St. Maries Golf course. A great little Mexican restaurant with a terrific view of this mountain golf course. One can watch all sorts of deer, turkey, and assorted wildlife on the course, with the occasional golfer spotted too.

Now back and winding down, have my altar set up in the little apartment I’m temporarily in and looking forward to whatever is next.

Starting to plan trip up North. A week on retreat at Shasta Abbey, a few days at Wallowa Buddhist Temple in Joseph, OR and a few days in Tekoa, to gather some needful things and visit with good monk friend in St. Marie’s ID, and assess what the next steps will be in regard to house up there. I’ve committed to two years in Bay area so I am ambivalent as to whether or not to keep that house. I really don’t like worrying about things 1,000 miles away. So, another something that doesn’t require immediate action but bears some real scrutiny.

The main focus for the next period of time will be my personal practice and how to winnow out the things in my life that I’m holding on to for purely nostalgic and sentimental reasons. Nothing wrong with nostalgia and sentiment as such, but they can become bogs that one gets mired in, for old times sake. I have worked relatively hard at reconciling my past and present yet they both still need work. The future needs no work. It will just appear as the direct result of of how I take care of the past and handle the present. With lots of surprises thrown in as the result of a past or present that I conveniently and mistakenly choose to ignore or just can’t see, because of blind spots and good old-fashioned delusive thinking.

I’ve had lots of interesting encounters recently with people in the 12 Step arena and the interface of that process and Buddhist practice. So far my experience is that a number of 12 steppers profess an interest in Buddhism, but are not too keen in actually practicing. I think what I am encountering is 12 steppers who have some years of sobriety and want to ramp up, or activate, a spiritual practice, yet are content to intermittently or randomly show up for anything that requires a degree of committed practice. Sadly the thing I encounter the most are people with substantial time in sobriety being mostly interested in going to the meetings and sort of thinking the meetings are the purpose of the 12 Steps. As far as I can tell, the 12 Steps are supposed to provide a springboard to a new way of life; not endless meeting attendance. It can be seen that the meetings are an integral and vital part of the process, but I’m pretty sure are not the process itself.

Oh, well. There I go kvetching about something that was just traipsing through the wilderness of my head. What’s new?

I walk up the Stream

Looking, seeking the

Source. There are more

Than One. Several it

Seems, that contain this

Very truth. No matter

Where I look;  It’s

From That! I sprang.

As I run to the Sea,

I want desperately to

Keep a good firm

 grip on ME!

The main aspect of “Merit” is that it is boundless and in that way an active component of Compassion (Love), which is the gathering and expanding (breathing) aspect of the whole Universe. I think of Merit as a “mass”, which is being acted upon by Compassion a “gravity”, a universal force which we can see and feel the effects of.  Yes, science can describe, measure, and in a small way, manipulate the forces of “gravity”, but can’t explain the what, why and how it actually works. The same can be said of Compassion. The only thing we can say for sure is it’s a good thing that seems to help keep everything together and moving in the right direction.

”We must consider our merit when accepting it.”This speaks to our awareness of ourselves in relation to our food and to the type of life we are living; our way in the world. How are we in it? The concept of “merit” in Buddhism touches on a lot of things.

It can mean the good karma that can result when we are careful in how we treat others and ourselves.
It can mean the merit of having been born in a human body.
It can mean the merit of once having heard the teaching, to undertake to learn it and apply it.
It can mean the merit of having a comfortable life with people and other beings we love that are in it.
It can mean the merit of recognizing ourselves as humans who make mistakes, but want to do better.
Perhaps this “thought” can be a way of asking ourselves a question such as;
“All in all, as I see my life today; I’m extremely fortunate to be in this situation. My life is good and I want to be sure and live it adhering to principles that are based on kindness and compassion. Am I doing my best in this regard?”
In other words, am I worthy of consuming other living things so that I may continue to live?
Kind of harsh.
Still. A good question.
As we consider our merit we want to be alert and not judge ourselves, to look at ourselves calmly and dispassionately.
If we don’t like what we see, we may want to change some things, or at least be willing to.
Since we say these verses several times a day it is not possible
or even good, to dwell too much on the questions that arise.

For me, it’s better to have them nearer, rather than further from my awareness.

This “merit”, which is boundless and I’m the benefactor of, is something that I can also make alive by consciously offering it to others or myself; to situations, to states of mind, or just to help any confusion or misunderstanding. This offering of merit is akin to the proper use of prayer (as I understand it), in the Abrahamic traditions. We are asking for unspecified help that will be useful on a spiritual level. We often don’t sense when we are getting the help because it arrives at the heart level.