So, on my walk this evening I was, as usual it seems a bit crabby, whiney and snivelly with myself and sort of complaining about aging, yearning, wanting friendships, being useful, losing interest in everything, yada-yada-yada-yaaah. On and on! And, during this little pity-pot-ensconcement ( I write, and I make ’em up:), I ran across a thought that had been eluding me.
It was in reference to some conversations I had with friends as recently as today, from a past that was a completely different life than the one I’m in now.. They both know me very differently than anyone else I know or am friends with today; because they have seen me at my worst. Today when we talk we just compare old coot kind of problems, and in both cases my two friends hate their lives and growing old. Also, in both cases they have no spiritual belief, or active component thereof in their lives. One is very rich, and alone and worried even though he has lots of everything. Everything, he’s ever wanted. The other is broke and doesn’t worry about it but he doesn’t worry with a lot of vigor, you know kinda assertive about the no worry. Like an echo chamber effect when he tells me he doesn’t worry. Always sounds empty. I love these guys and both have or helped save my life, but I wouldn’t want to trade any aspect of our various lives, they both have very enviable and positive qualities, but…
Here’s what I realized during my walk. We are three older guys who have lived through some very rough and dangerous lives, can still talk about it, in one case maybe a little too much; and resent that the world is not exactly the we way want it to be.
Of the three of us, as far as I can tell, I am the most fortunate because I have a real, live refuge that I can access anytime, anywhere; and can experience a relieving and easing of my fears, doubts and worries.
I have those fears doubts and worries because I earned them the hard way through a reckless, careless approach to life in the past. Now, because I found a refuge (For the record: Buddha, Dharma and Sangha), and accept full spiritual responsibility for my past, I can get a measure of relief and sometimes, a sense of a deep contrition that may be the key to everything. Every thing.
Within my gripes, doubts, fears and worries there is medicine for what truly ails me.
I am the problem and the solution.
I just have to find the courage to see the one and seek the other.