Fear, Doubt and Worry…

There has been a lot of fear and worry and tremendous doubt coming up for me in relation to cognitive diminuendo and a burgeoning deep personal connection appearing, seemingly, out of the air. Five months ago I didn’t know this person.

Huge complicated mixture of feelings, and nothing ‘pencils out’ on a reality basis, in terms of a relationship. Yet there is a strong attachment and deep drawing towards a situation which is an interesting one to say the least.

I am aware that at a deeper level this is all a gathering/swirling of old karmas asking for peace and resolution in this life as conditions seem ripe to help all that “stuff” along. And, I must be mindful of the larger picture which indicates that I go very carefully and not act from deluded interpretation of insights into the past, that ‘feel’ correct. Each day for several months my appreciation for this gift deepens and is becoming an acceptance and going toward an opportunity to see the reality that all life is a teaching presented to me for my own well-being. And, an opportunity for seeing more clearly by including the discomforts of change and uncertainty and the reality of old age, disease and death. Right view.

I’m deeply appreciative that all this is presented to me at a time when I may be the most capable, spiritually, to proceed correctly and thus help the cleansing of these complex and wide ranging karmas involved. Then again, the previous sentence may be a textbook example of what delusion sounds like when its trying its hardest to sound sane and equanimous. The appearance of something precious and unexpected is a gift of open-handed teaching, learning and loving and living within the Three Treasures.

This time is one of many opportunities because next week I’m scheduled to go for a retreat guided by the Zen Master whose lay disciple I’ve been for almost 25 years, and with whom I’ve had a rocky past year as he allowed me to go SPLAT (during deep period of a depressing and confusing ‘fugue’ state I experienced), and then reassemble aspects of my delusions into workable parts of on-going training, and becoming a movement towards some sort of deeper grasp of how karma works. In other words, something has been examined and I feel I can be more truly helpful to myself and to others.

So, going to the Monastery and entering retreat mode in a mix of old friends, fellow trainees and monks who I know for certain are the ‘real thing’ because I can see how they live, and have trained with them on numerous occasions for thirty years or more; I know how they live, eat, act and comport themselves in their lives. I can rely on them to teach what the Buddha taught.

They are not that “guy’, man or woman, who shows up at the Community Center for Tuesday evening Meditation and ‘Dharma’ talks. and then goes back to whatever his or her life is the other 22 hours of the day. Consequently I can for sure trust the community to provide a safe place for refuge, teaching, stillness and advice on any decisions, quandaries wonderings that are looming in my future.

In the midst of all that fear, worry and doubt is a certainty and sense of deep good fortune (Merit), that I am able to face seeming complexities like this and see it all as an opportunity and teaching for my own good, so that I can be helpful to others.

At one point I was ready to throw away this life I had been given. Forty years ago I surrendered sufficiently to finally accept the help offered to me. Today my worries, fears, doubts and hopes, revolve around trying to live a life that tends towards the Good. Gratitude.

What a quandary!

I never knew and don’t

know now, how exactly ,

things work; and the good

news is, I don’t need to.

I just need to go

Care Fully and Allow,

Allow, Allow and


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