In the early evening last night after I had unloaded some groceries and had come back downstairs to to move my truck back into the public parking lot across the street, I heard a loud bang/crash.

I looked into the parking lot and saw a small beat-up little formerly sporty car had backed into a parked car, a young man was outside the car and the driver’s door was open, he seemed to have come out to inspect damage; but I had a sense that something wasn’t quite right, it all looked sort of jumbled. So I hurried over towards them and the young guy jumped into his car and took off in a hurry.

When I got to the spot where they had been I saw someone laying on the ground. I went over to see what the problem was. It was a young woman about 14 or 15 just laying there and then starting to get up, she seemed to be somewhat dazed. I looked at her carefully as she was sitting in the ground to see if there were any signs of trauma evident (EMT training kicking in:), her jeans were ripped around the knee, but that could just as easily have been fashion.

She was a young black woman with hair nicely done with extensions, very elaborate fingernails, a nice purse, and a pink iPhone. She looked like she was going out for a Saturday night special date. One that appeared to have already turned out rather badly. I asked her if she was OK, or needed any help. She just shook her head. My best guess was that she was in shock, not from trauma but from having been some sort of victim who was left laying on the ground, in the dark part of a well lit municipal parking lot. As she stood up I asked her if there was anything that I could for her? Anyone I could call on her behalf? Was there any injury? She shook her head and started to walk off towards the street. I watched her go, my heart was sad.

I was sad for the world, the people in it, and the delusions that put us into untenable positions often times in our lives; and how we become hard and distrustful as just one negative result.

Dashed hopes, dashed dreams.

A tough lesson perhaps. An episode that will inform this young woman about the type of company she keeps, and perhaps seek alternatives. O,r an episode that will have that girl feel she did something wrong, and needs to alter her behavior to be more in line with the wishes of the people who left her laying in the dark. Or somewhere between those two possibilities.

It caused me to reflect back on the kind of person I had been when I was was young and the great mistakes in perception and action that I made. And that, actually, gave me hope. Because today I’m not that person anymore. Lord knows I still make plenty of mistakes in perception and action but they are much less extreme and hurtful than in the past. So, everybody has a chance to take in negative experiences and turn them into teaching. Maybe not all at once, or right away, but at some future time.

The future starts now, what a blessing.

A nice day yesterday talking to an old friend who is going to his son’s graduation from nursing school. The same school my friend went to and the same school his mother went to. Three generations of helping people. The last two woud not be possible if my friend hadn’t gotten sober because of a bad mistake on his part while drunk. Because of his vow to change, a lot of good has been done and another generation is launched on the same path. A good example that the potential for good exists in every seemingly bad situation. Maybe not right away, but eventually.

Of course the reverse holds true also. What seems like a good thing turns out not to be so. We live in a world kept in some sort of balance by the ambivalence we experience through observation and our daily life experience. Yet it is hard to see eventual outcomes because we usually loose sight of these ships of activity we have launched when they clear our horizon of interest.

I find myself rushing headlong into something that seems good to do, and then when I see I was wrong; (in the reverse as well). I can sense that the problem often lies not in my intention, but in the “rush” part of the action to do good.

I’m trying to develop the habit of looking at things as neccessary to do, rather than good to do; and then wait and look again. Very difficult, but if I lessen a mistake inducing habit by even a little, that’s good.

Brown and Golden leaves

Glistening wet on Shiny

Green grass. Life and Death.

Coming and Going. A White

Owl flies across the Full

Moon. It appears Black.

Where’s the source of Light?

I was with myself today.

Apparently sufficient time has passed for me to begin becoming comfortable that not only am I alone, have always been that way and, will continue to be that way.

I have been very fortunate in that I have had good companions along the way; A couple of good relationships, a good long-term marriage and a variety of good friends and acquaintances. So today, having lunch with some good friends I could enjoy it and then go to the store and shop for one.

I still linger at the pet food aisle wondering for a moment whether the cat or dog need anything. Nope. No cat or dog. I am by myself. For some time now I have been surprised at the lonely and needy feelings that came up for me, but I think they are starting to morph into the “What Needs Doing and How Can I Do It Within the Precepts and Zen”? category.

And that’s good.

I am starting to explore, at the request of others (and that means I really have to go carefully because my head swells with even minute caloric changes in ambient temperature of the Self, the possibility of starting a meditation group in Napa. I’m told there is a lot of interest and several people would like me to sort of lead/start it all. That means getting a lot of input and suggestions to see if it is do-able. My first thought is “Non-religious Zen based meditation technique rooted in group discussion centered around essential religious concepts that lean slightly to the Seeking and Recovery modes identification”. I suppose the first thing would be to try and figure out what the previous sentence means. Anyway, lots of questions will arise for me and whether anything gets off the ground is not really the important thing. That will all unfold as I deal with my own intentions and whether or not I am being true to the spirit of my own training as it has been offered to me by my teachers and good spiritual friends.

I hope that anyone who may be reading this (all eight of you, and that may be a wishful number:), would feel they can chime into that field of inquiry and exploration by e-mail, phone or, if proximate, personal conversation.

It’s been raining all day and there’s lots of problems being caused, but nothing that a rich idle society like ours can’t cope with. Most of us seem to encounter gold-plated problems in our lives and we indulge in unhelpful reactions to things that 95% of the world wishes were their privilege. Our problems. Our problems.

The leaves fall from the trees

In the Spring new ones will

Surely grow. Yet, yet; There

Is sadness. Compounded it

Seems, by the sound of rain.

Float, Spin, Twist, Land.

A long walk along the Vallejo waterfront. Blustery and intermittent sunshine kind of a day, only encountered five people in about four miles. Two had dogs.

I suppose I left myself out of the count of encountering. I keep encountering myself, in various guises, but generally I end up in the same spot.

Right here. There is only me.

I text-ed on my walk, I talked on the phone on my walk, I connected with others and made some big decisions. A meeting tonight in Napa. Then a light snack and some reading and into tomorrow on the overnight slow train to and from Helmutsville;  pop.1; Founded 1947. (Currently undergoing redistricting and renewal). “Watch us Grow!”

Must go and grow…or maybe just settle  down a bit.

Good friends are hard to find and life is long.