A lot of things are swirling about including some maple leaves out front. Autumn in Bay Area (Doesn’t quite have the same romantic note as “Autumn in New York”) is quite invigorating. We’ve had a couple of days of rain and it’s very interesting to see the impact the environment has on our mental and emotional structure. Yes, a bit of a “Duh?” moment there; never the less, to wake up at 2:30 in the morning and hear rain falling and spouts gurgling is quite an uplifting experience when the drought specter had infused the daily atmosphere with the tiniest hint of dis-ease.
Hisses of tires
Dusts to muds
Ants saying, via
Antennas; Finally, there
Is something to do.
In the body and mind, also swirls of movement. Potentials and possibles are appearing then flipping and dragging in the wind and becoming something else then reappearing and shifting direction yet again. I’m much closer to creating/finding a landing place for myself in the Inland Northwest next Summer or Fall. I have plenty of time to move my little project in Alameda along and seem to be learning how to live a singular life without this constant neediness as part and parcel of my aloneness (I actually wrote “alonemess”; a bit of Freudian-slippage-truth.)
Entering the Fall seems to be a time of renewal for me, things are so different from a year ago, let alone two years ago, when Linda was entering her final decline and I was lost in a cloud of desire and wish for things to be different. Where did all that confusion and anguish go? Where did all that wanting go? Where did it come from? Those are the leaves that are falling from this tree. I don’t need to tidy up and rake them so that everything looks clean. It’s best if I let them lay and decay and return to the earth and transform into future nutrients for growth. Although some neighbors may disapprove.
The most delicious meal we’ve ever had, or has been written about or glorified in film or photo, will be turned into a compost substance in a day or two. And the memory of it will provide no nourishment whatsoever, it will become a mental artifact, thankfully artifacts have a use. They can teach. What we learn from them depends on our point of view. My viewpoint is being re-oriented.
I see somewhat more clearly now. The result of that is added responsibility. With a mixture of reluctance and avidity I take it on because I know it is for my own good. And, if I continue to grow in my newly glimpsed reality, that means I will do things differently and that is good for everything.
My spiritual teacher has for many years told me that I dwell too much on how I feel and how I am, and that the only thing that matters is what one does and how one does it. How we feel about it is not the important thing. I’m finally catching on to that.
I must say, it feels good.
A seasonal paraphrase from the Dhamapadda:)
By one, mistakes are repeated and consequences pile up like leaves.
By one, mistakes are avoided and the pure wind blows unimpeded.
By one’s self, mistakes are avoided.
No one can avoid mistakes for another.