A lot of things are swirling about including some maple leaves out front. Autumn in Bay Area (Doesn’t quite have the same romantic note as “Autumn in New York”) is quite invigorating. We’ve had a couple of days of rain and it’s very interesting to see the impact the environment has on our mental and emotional structure. Yes, a bit of a “Duh?” moment there; never the less, to wake up at 2:30 in the morning and hear rain falling and spouts gurgling is quite an uplifting experience when the drought specter had infused the daily atmosphere with the tiniest hint of dis-ease.

Waters gurgling,

Hisses of tires

Dusts to muds

Ants saying, via

Antennas;  Finally, there

Is something to do.

Moving stuff.

Re-placing.

In the body and mind, also swirls of movement. Potentials and possibles are appearing then flipping and dragging in the wind and becoming something else then reappearing and shifting direction yet again. I’m much closer to creating/finding a landing place for myself in the Inland Northwest next Summer or Fall. I have plenty of time to move my little project in Alameda along and seem to be learning how to live a singular life without this constant neediness as part and parcel of my aloneness (I actually wrote “alonemess”; a bit of Freudian-slippage-truth.)

Entering the Fall seems to be a time of renewal for me, things are so different from a year ago, let alone two years ago, when Linda was entering her final decline and I was lost in a cloud of desire and wish for things to be different. Where did all that confusion and anguish go? Where did all that wanting go? Where did it come from? Those are the leaves that are falling from this tree. I don’t need to tidy up and rake them so that everything looks clean. It’s best if I let them lay and decay and return to the earth and transform into future nutrients for growth. Although some neighbors may disapprove.

The most delicious meal  we’ve ever had, or has been written about or glorified in film or photo, will be turned into a compost substance in a day or two. And the memory of it will provide no nourishment whatsoever, it will become a mental artifact, thankfully artifacts have a use. They can  teach. What we learn from them depends on our point of view. My viewpoint is being re-oriented.

I see somewhat more clearly now. The result of that is added responsibility. With a mixture of reluctance and avidity I take it on because I know it is for my own good. And, if I continue to grow in my newly glimpsed reality, that means I will do things differently and that is good for everything.

My spiritual teacher has for many years told me that I dwell too much on how I feel and how I am, and that the only thing that matters is what one does and how one does it. How we feel about it is not the important thing. I’m finally catching on to that.

I must say, it feels good.

 

A seasonal paraphrase from the Dhamapadda:)

By one, mistakes are repeated and consequences pile up like leaves.

By one, mistakes are avoided and the pure wind blows unimpeded.

By one’s self, mistakes are avoided.

No one can avoid mistakes for another.

 

 

 

…go there, they have to take you in.               More or less a quote from from Robert Frost

A long lay-off. Living in Alameda and waiting for Winter.

My days are taken up by small projects around the property I’m living on, preparing for the (hopefully), rainy season and trying to set the stage so that next year everything is in place and prepared for the eventual use of these houses as affordable-living space in the Bay Area. Fulfilling the wishes of the generous donor who left this property to our Sangha with a specific charitable purpose in mind.

I have also been rather busy with a few personal projects that are in the arena of my own looking ahead (and out), for the declining( and increasingly, shorter), years, and trying to suss out where, how and why to allocate dwindling time, health and practical resources. In other words, a closer examination and more preparation for the inevitable. Being practical.

Recognize that the only real important preparation is in spiritual/religious practice, but that does not stand against being practical and relatively comfortable in how the last weeks, months, years may be spent. I’m in relatively good health and fairly sane so I’m not being morbid or anxious; just realistic.

At this point I’m mostly inclined to move back up to the Inland Northwest next Summer/Fall. A few things need to be sorted out and re-aligned but nothing to complex. Things having to do with stuff, and eventual landing site. I can even see a few scenarios where I may be able to be in Bay area part of the year (Winter-ish, I would think, but not exclusively or extensively). All that will depend on a few things sort of falling into place. So, as has been true for most of my life, I have no idea exactly where I’m going, or why, or when; but I’m pretty sure there is some movement in my future, and I suspect perhaps the last move. But I thought that when Linda and I moved to Tekoa.

I was in Tekoa last month for a couple of days and was able to visit with some old friends, but not nearly as many as I wanted to see and spend a little time with. I miss those good folks and the sense of community they offer and exemplify in their daily lives.

I remember driving to Tekoa from the airport on this last trip and seeing those several places that Linda and I though of as special and made us proud that we were so darn smart to have found it and moved there (When point in fact it was stumbled upon and decided in an hour or two because it felt right. Sometimes the Intuition is 100% right:). As I passed those points I realized they were no longer as special. Because when Linda was in the car (It was always at least hundred mile round-trip and often had to do with medical things, but certainly not always.), and we were headed home, they were landmarks. They are no longer special even though I have a house there that can no longer be home; Linda’s not in it.

We fixed up that house for her. It was the way she wanted it and she worked hard on many details that pleased her. I put in a few hours too:) but now its just a house and cannot be home. A nice house, but full of things that also are merely memories of a past that cannot be anymore or again.

Thankfully it is home to a friend of long standing at this point and hopefully that will become a permanent thing for her and her family.

The bittersweet joy of life is always at its fullest as the Autumn passes and we settle into Winter.

My Winter is here, a necessary

Aspect of mundane existence which

Allows for the gathering of energy with

Complete renewal as the object and

Intention of that Process we call

Creation. Coming into being again and

Again, always Becoming that Which we

Know Not the reason for appearing in

This Life. Over and over&over and changing

Again. Yet again, something more than familiar.

Is it Home we come in the Spring? In the

Fall? In the Summer? Ripening. The

Growing resting. Stopping.

Reaping. Returning.

Decaying. Renewing.